vol 287. Rooted in Faith with Alexa W.

SPEAKER_00 0:01 We believe that alcoholic is a disease. And that alcoholic is the solution to the disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA.

As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest. SPEAKER_01 0:25 My name is Alexa. I have a sobriety date of September 15th, 2019. So it's six years since my last drink.

During that phase of your life, you're just going to house parties after school and it seems so innocent. I was a straight A student. So my mom was totally fine with me partying. She wasn't concerned with my lifestyle because I was doing well in school.

So therefore I was rewarded with this sort of freedom. And I didn't think it was, you know, a problem. My dad drank heavily. So there was an alcoholic influence in my household.

And I did attend Al-Anon meetings when I was a kid. So I was very aware of problem drinking and what it can do to a family. However, when you're young, you're just living for the now and you're in your own little fantasy world. Nothing else matters except the now.

And that drinking just progressed into my early 20s. I moved out on my own when I was 21. And I lived in Belmont Shore, walking distance from the bars with my single girlfriend. So we were just having the time of our lives at happy hour.

And again, it was this very functional problem in my life. I was managing a store, I had a really good job. And then in my spare time, it was that party hard, work hard mentality. It wasn't long until I started occasionally doing cocaine.

And it was that marriage of cocaine and drinking that really took that turn in my life that made it become unmanageable. This is a progressive disease. So it eventually turned into larger amounts, not going to bed at 2 a.m., but staying up till 4, and then staying up till 6 a.m. And then eventually I wasn't really going out.

I was drinking at home. It was cheaper and I could drink in peace. And then eventually started to, it was something I started doing alone. I was drinking and partying by myself when my boyfriend or now husband was going to sleep and had work.

And I was like, well, I don't have work. I'm going to stay up all night. There were just so many hangovers, so many regrets, so many blackouts. I wake up with a fat lip.

I fell just the pain of hurting others and not even remembering what I had said. And this wasn't just friends, it was family. It just started taking a toll on me. The idea of sobriety was something that came to my mind quite often.

I always looked at my life and thought, how can I sustain this? Is this it? Is this what I'm meant to be doing? And I remember being up all night and looking out my window and seeing someone just like walking their dog and thinking, that'd be cool to wake up early and like want to go for a walk and not feel like I'm dying or still be awake.

So there was this pivotal night where um my stepbrother, he invited me out for his birthday. And originally there was supposed to be a group of us, but that didn't work out. So it was just him and I. And we went to a bar and uh started drinking beer, and then it turned into a lot of tequila.

And at this point, you know, I'm a pretty I can handle my alcohol better than he can. So he's starting to fall over in his seat. And I'm thinking, you know, I'm pretty wasted, but I should probably get this guy home. So I asked one of the security guards there to help me get him upstairs because it was a bar that was sort of like underground.

We get upstairs and we're waiting for an Uber, and my stepbrother had tried to kiss me. So weird. And I've never felt more violated in my life. You when you have your um your boundaries, or that's not the right word.

I I just had this trust because he was my stepbrother, and I never would have thought he would try to do that, but he was so wasted, too. So I put him in an Uber by himself, called my sister and my brother, and I was freaking out. I felt so violated, and none of them cared what I had to say. They were just like, You're just drunk again.

They've just kind of rubbed me off, and that was hurtful. They didn't take my feelings seriously, and I ended up leaving with strangers. I don't remember what they look like, I don't remember the house that we were at. I was honestly sort of hallucinating by the time I got there.

I don't know if someone had put something in my drink, I don't know if they gave me something, but I do know that at one point someone at that house called my husband to get me home. And by the grace of God, I found my way home and woke up the next day with an eagerness to change. Something had just come over me. I had just hit that low point in my life.

We were living with my mom at the time, trying to save money to buy our home, and she was disgusted by me. I kept telling them what had happened with my stepbrother, and no one wanted to listen to me. And I knew that I had lost credit because of my addiction. So years prior, I had seen a therapist.

She was helping me just sort through some work-related issues and how to address my boss. And this therapist wasn't, she wasn't a specialist in my issue. However, because she knew my mom, she made time for me, and her specialty was addiction. So at that time, I hadn't really fallen into that despair in my drinking, but we talked about my drinking because I knew that it was heading in a direction that wasn't manageable.

And she mentioned Thursdays to me, which is my home group. So that morning I woke up, I was like, I'm going to Thursdays. And my mom, she ran outside after me and she said, Where are you going? And I was like, I'm going to an AA meeting.

My mom, I I wish I could like be in her mind in that moment because she was probably just outside of herself with just so much joy and an answered prayer. But she asked if she could come with me. And I was like, sure, if you want. So she drove me to Thursdays.

And at the time I didn't realize there were like schedules for AA meetings. I was just like, I'm just going to show up to this place, and maybe there's going to be a meeting going on. So we walk in, and it's a woman's group that was meeting that morning. It was a closed meeting, but they allowed my mom to stay.

I think they could just see how broken I was. And I remember this woman, she looked at me and she's like, little miss, are you an alcoholic? And I just started bawling my eyes out. And I was like, Yes, but I've never said it before.

And it was just that moment of like, oh, I got it off my chest. And I just couldn't stop crying. I sat through that meeting, and afterwards, a really kind woman, I'll call her D. She just gave me the longest, warmest hug and took me under her wing after that.

We exchanged numbers. She later got me a job. So after that meeting, we drove home and I went back to Thursdays and stayed for the remainder of the meetings they had that day. I can't remember if it was two more or three more, but I sat in this corner and I just cried the entire time.

And people kept giving me parts to read and I would just struggle through it. And I must have collected about a hundred phone numbers that day. They were all written on these little yellow Thursdays cards. And I couldn't remember who was who, but I was just like, whoa, this is crazy.

People are so nice, so welcoming. And I just continued going to meetings after that day. And for days after, I just carried that foggy feeling in my head. And I know you guys know exactly what that's like after you drink and you just can't snap out of it.

And people kept asking if I was on the pink cloud. Are you on the pink cloud? Are you on the pink cloud? And then finally I woke up and I just felt alive and awake and clear-headed.

And I'd finally stopped crying. It's crazy because addiction is like being in chains, and you have no idea you're locked up until you're freed. And I was finally free. I I quickly, you know, started going to meetings regularly.

Anytime I wanted to drink, I went to a meeting. Anytime I think drink a lot of it is really a habit. Like the night I'd get off work and the next day, if I was off, I was always planning out my party agenda. So on those nights, I made sure I went to a meeting.

I attended a really great speaker meeting in Seal Beach. And then Thursdays was my home group. I always did the women's meeting. It was just such a great community.

I'll be honest, my use of it was a little bit unorthodox. I never actually worked the steps completely through. I never had a set sponsor. And I I felt a lot of pressure personally.

I remember they started giving me this homework to do it, and I was like, I can't commit to that. So there, but there's still so many useful tools in the program. Um, I remember the women taught me to always have an escape route when you go places. So I always just drove everywhere I went because I never drank and drove.

I did get a DUI when I was 21, and that probably saved my life because I did not drink and drive after that. And then again, just having those phone numbers handy. And I just really started drinking a lot of carbonated water. It was insane the amount of carbonated water I would intake.

But I remember one meeting in particular, it was a step study meeting, and this is my favorite meeting. We would read it through and we would just talk about that step. And I can't recall if it was step two or three, but I know we were talking about higher power. And I suddenly started having this light bulb moment, just piecing together everything that had happened that led me to that 8A meeting.

Like I had recently really gotten into stand-up comedy. And when I was drunk, I'd always think, like, I'm gonna be a stand-up comedian. I was probably not funny at all, but all of the comedians I really loved were sober, and I was like, wow. There was also this crazy girls' trip I went on, and that weekend I really just did all the things, and I used to wear this necklace, I still wear it, and it's a locket with a cross on it, and inside it has the Lord's Prayer written in it.

And I'm sure you guys know the Lord's Prayer, it's said often in meetings. And after that weekend, I opened it and half the prayer was missing, and I just had this inner voice saying, You're getting farther from me. So at that speaker meeting, I spoke up, which I rarely did. I actually was not a big sharer, and I and I had explained what God had been doing in my life.

I knew that it was God. And then the next question was, Who was God? I thought about the Lord's Prayer often reciting at meetings, Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, not my will, your will. What is your will?

And then forgive us our trespasses. I had so many, I messed up so many times, and then lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil. And is is drinking and drug abuse and all of this just a temptation? So this prayer was just so beautiful, and I just couldn't stop thinking, who is God and what is your will?

And I didn't get my answer for a while. I was very open and curious, and I wasn't diligently seeking these answers, but the beautiful thing is that I learned that God seeks us out, and it's really just up to us to answer the call. So COVID hit, so I was six months into my sobriety journey and COVID. I remember being at meetings and everyone was like, why selling chairs?

So I'm I'm so fortunate that I was able to keep my sobriety through that crazy time because all of a sudden we stopped meeting, and Zoom meetings were that was kind of weird, and I didn't even know what Zoom was. But then one day everything changed for me. So my mom she invited me to church, and that's when I found my true higher power. I heard that Jesus was God, that he had come down from heaven to pay the debt that I owed.

And not because I did anything to deserve it, but because he loved me despite of my rebellion against him all of these years, and that it was his will that I not perish but have everlasting life. And he said that anyone that confesses with their mouth that he's Lord and believes that God raised him from the dead, that they would be saved. So the Lord's prayer quickly just came to life in this eye-opening encounter with Jesus. It was his will.

And there was a verse that I heard, and it said, if anyone is in Christ, he's a new creation, all things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new. And I think there was those moments where I would look back in my I call it professional drinking years, and I was like, oh, like this is still weighing on me. And I heard this verse, and God told me, my higher power told me that you're a new creation.

That old Alexa is gone. And I learned that God has a plan for the life of every single person on this earth, and he's so loving and faithful to move when we ask him to. And he says to give him all of our baggage, and he said he came to help the sick and the needy, and he says that he's the way, the truth, and the life, and that he makes all things new, and that he turns his ashes into beauty. And I was just in in awe and wonder that during this COVID frenzy that I was able to find this to help me through my journey.

Um, and I even met multiple people at my church that went through program, and God was just leading me to where I needed to be. So what I can really say to encourage you today is like, don't be intimidated by the program. It's so helpful, it works if you work it. It's okay to work it slowly in a way that works for you.

Figure out who your higher power is and what his will is for your life. I know that his will is not for us to be addicted to drugs and alcohol. There's this beautiful life ahead of every single person, and we just have to be willing to take one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and do and give for give to others. It's hard to be sad about our lives when we're doing something to help someone else smile.

My higher power is obviously Jesus, and he says, I know the plans I have for you to give you a hope and a future. So that just blesses me every single day. I'm still blessed to help so many people through their struggles. I love that in the scriptures, it also says that we suffer so we can help other people with their suffering.

And you get to a point of thankfulness in the hard times that you've gone through. So I'm just I'm so thankful that I've experienced this addiction and this overcoming of what it did in my life because now I can be there for others and take them to meetings and pray for them and do for them and pick them up and drive them and take them to eat or make them laugh or whatever it is. It's beautiful to see the miracle of my life story. Six years in a sobriety.

I'm working out daily, I'm married, I have a baby, and I wake up early feeling good. I can tell you that waking up not hung over is seriously the one of the biggest things that kept me sober. Um, I just love my mornings, and I just pray that my story can help you. And I always try to end with a song of encouragement because music is so therapeutic for me.

So the song I want to share is called Higher Than I by Sons of Sunday. And the lyrics say, When my heart is overwhelmed, when I barely trust myself, lead me to the rock higher than I. When the night is closing in to remind me of my sin, lead me to the rock higher than I. Be so much stronger, so much greater, so much wiser, so much higher.

When the doubt is rising up, when it comes in like a flood, lead me to the rock higher than I. So just remember that there is a higher power that can remove this addiction from us, and that this program works if you work it. That's all I got. SPEAKER_00 18:58 Thank you, Alexa.

Did I hear you say that you have not done the steps? Yeah. Do you have a sponsor? SPEAKER_01 19:08 No.

SPEAKER_00 19:09 Girl. I know this slippery, slippery slope. You know that. SPEAKER_01 19:17 It's really not.

I have no desire to drink. SPEAKER_00 19:21 I mean, yeah, I don't, I think in my experience, like one little small bad thing happened, you know, like you get laid off, or husband gets laid off, or you have to move. And then like, so it's like it's like the life stuff that happened. Your life will not stay status quo as it is right now.

If it did, you'd probably be fine, but it won't. There's this old timer, Gary. He's uh God, uh he has 45 years now. I know this because he has one year less than my age.

And uh he always says like every time we go through something hard in the program, it makes us and we get through it sober, it makes us stronger for the next go-around because there will always be another go-around. Um, so the mother in me highly recommends that you find yourself a sponsor for when life happens because life will happen. It happens to all. SPEAKER_01 20:22 Oh, I know.

I I've um I've lost both of my grandmothers. Um, I saw my stepbrother die from cirrhosis because he was an alcoholic. Oh god. And that's all I ground myself in Jesus, and that's what I might identify in, and it's something that can never be stripped from me.

And so I know when those earth-shattering moments happen in my life, I'm so grounded in my faith. We've been through it, and I have not wanted to drink at all. Like God just removed it from me completely. It's crazy.

I I do want a cigarette sometimes, but I won't do that either. I I quit smoking too. Good job. SPEAKER_00 21:07 Good job.

That's I hear that's a very hard one. SPEAKER_01 21:10 Oh, yeah. My smoking like in it tripled after I got sober. I think it's been maybe three and a half years now.

SPEAKER_00 21:21 Well done. Well done. SPEAKER_01 21:23 Yeah, thank you. SPEAKER_00 21:25 You were talking about looking out the window um and seeing someone walking their dog and just thinking, oh, that looks nice.

Um can you share with us now the kinds of things that you do in your life that somebody that's suffering may see and think, oh, that looks like a normal, nice life? SPEAKER_01 21:48 Um, well, I I would wake up at 5 a.m. and work out now. It's my schedules switched a bit with the baby, but also the biggest thing for me is being accountable and Just available to the people I love.

My favorite thing is knowing that if someone called me at 4 a.m., at 5 p.m., at whatever time, I could be in my car and on my way and clear-minded to be that person in an emergency, or be that person just to help, or come babysit my niece or nephew. I am now the wife, the mother, the daughter, the sister that I've always wanted to be. So it's not even just being able to wake up early and participate in things that seem so easy to people that don't have addiction issues, but being able to love on the people that I love in the way that God intended is the bigger reward for me. SPEAKER_00 22:55 That's really sweet.

How has your opinion of AA changed over the years? SPEAKER_01 23:03 How has it changed through the years? SPEAKER_00 23:07 Did you come to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous with any opinion, having been an Al Anon? And has that opinion changed at all since your first meeting?

SPEAKER_01 23:20 I mean, my first meeting, I was really scared. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but I just knew that it worked. There's definitely a lot a deeper level of appreciation. And my heart is initially I walked into those rooms because I really needed it, and now I walk into those rooms because I want to help other people.

I don't know how to, I don't know what what word to use. When you're like maturing in your walk almost, like um, there's just a deeper appreciation. It's like when you are a guest in someone's home and then you're hosting or you're a guest. Now I just feel like I'm hosting almost.

Does that make sense? Yeah. It does. Now people call me and they're like, where do I go?

What should I do? I just love being like, this is my favorite meeting, or you know, let's go here. I'll pick you up. SPEAKER_00 24:19 So did you have any sort of opinion before you went to that meeting?

You had had Al-Anon growing up. Did you have any preconceived notions of what AA was or wasn't? SPEAKER_01 24:36 No, not really. Um Al Anon was my mom made us go because I was not really invested.

It was like, I'm here because my mom needs it. And so I was like with the kids, and we would just talk about, you know, my dad does this. What does your dad do? But I didn't feel it made an I think it made it a little bit more comfortable.

And I'd already walked into an AA meeting once before because of that DUI I got. I was court ordered to go to some meetings. So there was a little bit of familiarity, even though I was not there for the right reasons. SPEAKER_00 25:18 That helps.

SPEAKER_01 25:18 Um yeah. It's always scary the first time, I think, especially when you're going alone. I'm glad that my mom was there to support me, but I was really desperate and I had nothing to lose, only to gain at that point. So I was so just open-minded, open-hearted to change.

SPEAKER_00 25:40 I imagine your relationship with your mom and your siblings is different. You did say your stepbrother died uh of cirrhosis. SPEAKER_01 25:51 Yeah, and this is a different stepbrother than the stepbrother in my story. Got it.

SPEAKER_00 25:57 Your relationship with your siblings and your mother? SPEAKER_01 26:01 Yeah, I'm so close with my family. My siblings are my best friends, and you know, I partied with them too. Uh, we're all we're all partakers together, and it's crazy.

Like, neither one of them are sober, but they don't really, they don't indulge, but we do everything together. I usually am there on Sunday nights for family dinner. We always everyone's always tripping out. Like, do you only hang out with your family?

Yeah, and um, and my mom, she's just my best friend, too. We're very tight-knit, we all share location, people think we're crazy. We're like, your mom, you're 37, like your mom knows where you're at all times. I'm like, yeah.

But it's just the best. And I think when you have that, you know, that foundation with your family, it's so important to your sobriety, too. At least for me. They're just they're so supportive and so proud and so happy.

SPEAKER_00 27:12 What do you do today when you're restless, irritable, and discontent? What is your go-to action? SPEAKER_01 27:21 Prayer and worship. My Bible's always out on my coffee table.

I they're actually everywhere all over my house. I'll just open it, read some verses, and then just sing and worship the Lord, and then I just there's a calmness that just comes over me and his medicine. SPEAKER_00 27:42 And you've been with the same your husband, you were with him before you got sober, if I followed the story correctly. SPEAKER_01 27:50 Yeah.

I should have probably gone into that a bit more. Yeah, but we were together for let's see, we've been together 12 years. So we were together five years, I think. We got married in 2018.

We were together five years, I think, before we got married. So one year into our marriage was when I got sober. My husband is he's amazing. He was just like, okay, that's what you're doing?

Okay. I I honestly don't know how he put up with me, to be honest. All those years. He's just patient and and he'll have an occasional drink here and there, but it was just it was the best thing for our marriage.

But he just sought through and he's come to see me get my milestone chips, and he's just he's the best. But yeah, he saw me in all my ugly and and he would party with me. And I think that you know was something that we connected on initially, was like, oh, this guy's down to you know, go all night with me. And then the minute I was ready to get sober, he was like, Okay, babe.

And he chilled out, and yeah, and then when I found Jesus, he was like, What? You're a Jesus freak now, and he was like totally against it, and then tried to disprove it, and then became a believer. So now he's we go to church together and everything. So it's been a wild ride.

Like we have changed so much in the last like six years, seven years. SPEAKER_00 29:33 It sounds like a it sounds uh like a successful match that doesn't always happen when one person makes such significant changes in their life. Right. I know.

Yeah, it's thankful. Is there anything that you left out of your story or that you're thinking of now that you would like to share? Did you go through all your bullet points? SPEAKER_01 30:02 Yeah, I went through all of them.

Oh, good job. But I'm sure there was stuff I still missed because it's hard to I tried to compile everything from memory, and I'm like some things. I'm just like, oh my gosh, that happened. You're right.

I forgot about that. I think the most important thing, and I said it earlier, was that in sobriety, you get to be accountable and depend dependable. I was so exhausted from getting drunk and saying I was going to do something and then never following through. And now I do what I say I'm gonna do.

There's no bullshit. If I tell you I'm going to be there tomorrow at 8 a.m. to help you move, I'm gonna be there at 8 a.m. with coffee to help you move.

I just love that people can depend on me and I can be the friend and the wife and the daughter, and that I want to be. Alcohol just robs you of that opportunity to be available to the people that you love. And I think that's just something that really crushed me because I wanted to be better. And even if it's like just in your career, I remember one time my boss called me and there was an emergency at work, and he needed me to come in, and I was like, I can, I've been drinking, and I can't remember how many times I went to work, hung over, and just wasn't giving, you know, a hundred percent.

And that stuff really wore me down, or just being hungover on holidays, just not really being able to enjoy my family. I always showed up, but I was like, Can I go to sleep? I want to take a nap. So it's just that being able to be present and do what you say you're gonna do and be the emergency contact because people know, like, she's gonna be sober, she's gonna be a sound mind.

I think that would be an important part that I didn't include. That is such a reward of sobriety in my life. And I think when you can give to others, that is the greater reward in life. And I'm just so happy that I can be that person that I wanted to be now.

SPEAKER_00 32:25 Sounds like you've found purpose. Yeah. Certainly something that fills your heart and your soul. SPEAKER_01 32:33 If my sister was like needed me, and then she'd be like, Well, I'm not gonna call her because she's probably drunk, like that sucks.

And now she can call me anytime and she knows who's gonna get the same person every time. SPEAKER_00 32:49 It does feel good to be reliable and trusted, and we don't walk around with that shame, and there's no more hiding, no more secrets, no more stories. There's no more anxiety. Yes, that one's awful.

SPEAKER_01 33:06 The next day of just oh no, what did I do? What did I say? SPEAKER_00 33:11 It was always for me the oh, I did it again. How did I do it again?

Yeah. All right, we have come to the final question for the listener who is suffering. What message would you like to leave them with? SPEAKER_01 33:28 I just want to say that there is a bigger purpose for your life.

Go to the meetings and let people love on you. Hug people when you don't want to hug them. And even if you don't share, that's okay. Just listen, just pray, pray, pray, and just get involved.

I think being busy is one of the biggest tools to staying sober. You never want to be bored and stuck at home. Um, so if you need to go to a meeting seven days a week, do it seven days a week and just let people love on you. And um, and I just want to encourage you and promise you that if you stick with it, things will get better, and this too shall pass.

This is just a blip, and there is a such a bright future and beautiful plan for your life, and this program totally works if you work it. SPEAKER_00 34:24 For more information, read the first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcomingback.net.