vol 297. Pink Cloud Surrender with Tim H.

Show Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

We believe that alcoholism is a disease, and that Alcoholics Anonymous is one solution to that disease. I'm here to bring you the voices of its members. Everyone that comes on the show, including myself, is an active member and has found recovery in the rooms of AA. As you listen, please take what works for you and leave the rest.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Good morning, Tara. First off, I want to say thank you. Thank you so very much for this opportunity to be able to share my experience, strength, and hope. It's always an honor and a privilege to do anything that I can be of service to Alcoholics Anonymous.

For that I owe my life to. My name is Tim. I am an alcoholic. And I am a very grateful alcoholic.

My sobriety date is July 23rd of 2022. So coming up right around three and a half years, which um is an absolute miracle for me. I have a home group, I have a sponsor that has a sponsor. I'm very active in the program at my fellowship, at my home group.

That's what's been a major factor in my in my recovery, as I will um tell later. As I say, I'm a very grateful alcoholicist today. I I have a solution that for 40 years I did not have. I didn't see any kind of hope.

I didn't see any any kind of um sobriety. I didn't even know what that looked like. This is my first time in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've never been in the rooms before.

I've heard of it, obviously, but I never took that opportunity or thought I was an alcoholic. Um well, I take that back. I know I was an alcoholic, but I didn't know what alcoholism was. And that's something that I learned in these rooms, is what it is to have alcoholism.

You know, I've never been to any kind of uh rehab or detox center or anything like that. It doesn't make me any better. It just makes me stubborn and stupid. Towards the end, I was just gonna run this until the wheels fell off one way or the other.

And I was a functioning alcoholic. Um, I don't like to separate, you know, low bottom, high bottom, anything like that. I'm just an average everyday drunk. It just I didn't have a lot of circumstances, you know, of losing everything.

I lost a lot. And that's one reason I think that kept me away. You know, I don't I'm not that person that that has lost this DUIs and and gone to jail. I didn't have any of those consequences.

And in reality, I look back and maybe it prevented me from coming in sooner. I don't know. I can say I I don't look at the past as far as trying to change it. I was just lucky.

That is another word for God. He's been in my life ever since, ever since uh the beginning, and I just didn't realize it. Like a lot of people, I started drinking when I was like junior high, high school, everyday drinker, no, but I was probably impaired some way or another throughout that time. And then once I got out, I mean I would try to drink any time that I could.

And in reality, knowing knowing what I know now about alcoholism, if I'd have known what it was, I'd guarantee I wouldn't have heeded those warnings. As, you know, in Bill's story, you know, I should have had heed the warnings, ominous warning earlier, but I didn't, but I didn't know what it was. Um that I can remember back my best friend that I grew up with, he had the parents of um, you know, you can drink over here, you can drink, you can smoke, just don't go anywhere, type thing. My parents were the complete opposite.

I had phenomenal parents, neither one of them were alcoholic, and they were they were great people, and they taught me great morals, values, work ethics. I mean, they they try to instill into me everything they possibly could. Because obviously that's not I'm an alcoholic. But you know, we get together over my friend's house and we'd have you know sleep over, you know, you know, spend the night over there, and we'd have buddies over there drinking, and they're like, you know, I couldn't spend the night.

Like, no, you can just go ahead and just take a drink, you know, you know, have just have one. And I said, no, I I can't, because I know if I wanted one, I wouldn't stop. And I and also I didn't want to pay the consequences at home. I had enough respect for my parents, like, no, if I get caught, it's gonna be all kinds of hell to pay.

And I didn't want to face that. But also I knew I I didn't like to stop. I didn't drink for the taste, I drank for the effect. I didn't like the taste of it.

I just drank because I liked I like the effects produced by alcohol. I loved them. And it wasn't that first drink. I'm not that that's not my story, is that first drink, uh, oh, everything was, you know, uh, I gotta have to have another one, gotta have another one.

I just drank when I could because I, like I say, I enjoyed it. And that was the case for quite a few, you know, for most of my teenage and in my 20s. And once I got out, once I got out on my own, I was pretty much an everyday drinker. And that's what everybody did.

I say I'm 55 uh years old now, so I grew up in the 80s and 90s, and it just that's what you do. You didn't everybody drinks. It was um it's just what you did. Anyway, I like to say I became an everyday drinker, no consequences at all, just was partying.

And I met my first wife, and we were together for 18 years, and we started doing other things. She had another issue with other things, and uh, so did I at a point. You know, I didn't sleep a lot in my 20s, and um it just it enhanced my drinking. I I loved it because I was able to drink more.

And I honestly I call that my that was kind of my drug of choice because I actually had a choice at that point, you know, or I had a choice with that, because I chose to stop. Alcohol was never I I drank way past the point of choice. And so therefore, I mean, I I know that you know that was that was just a thing, and and I did it, whatever, not a big deal. Was able to quit when my my daughter was born, and that brought me up to right around 30s, and then it was just a very volatile relationship.

She still had her issues, and I didn't really care because I had mine. I had my I had my alcohol, you know, and that's what I did. I just buried myself in into the bottle, and I just I was out a lot, playing a lot of darts and pool and bars, and and I and I I ran amok. I did what I wanted to do, and I felt that I had the right.

I was my ego and my my um my ego mainly, you know, my ego, my power, my control over that, and and I used it. I use it to my advantage. And like I can say I just ran amok and she didn't really care because she was doing what she was doing. Our kids were by all means, they were they were taken care of.

I wasn't a complete terrible father, but emotionally and and time-wise, I know that I I robbed them a lot of that. Uh but yeah, it was it was a it was a time, and we ended up getting a divorce somewhere right around 2008, 2009, something like that. And um I lost my job and started my own business. She was she did her thing, and we ended up getting a divorce, which is rightfully so.

She had every right to to leave, and I don't think any ill will ever for what she did. She's a she's a great mother to our children, and I love I can say I love her today. And when I came into the room, that was like she was pretty much the first on my four step. But that's not the way it looks today.

And that's all the results of Alcoholics Anonymous. No, I started drinking, even that got me more into heavy, heavy depression and self-pity, and I just I just dove even further into the bottle. I had my daughter every other week. I wouldn't drink as much, but that's that whole control drinking, and I couldn't stand it.

I hate trying to control my drinking. I like to drink the way I drink. I'm the kind of drinker if there's a road trip, if it's uh an hour away, there's a pint, and if it's over two hours, it's a fifth, and if it's overnight, it's a handle. That's just the way I drank.

Drove and drank all the time. How I never got a DUI, I I have just out of the grace of God, I've been pulled over drunk. I've been done the drunk thing. I I don't know how.

I tried to find a God of that, of my understanding back then, but I didn't know what it was, didn't know how to to achieve it. I asked one of my friends because I was hurting badly, and I he was studying to be a um a minister, and I asked him, I said, Do you have anything like prayers or this? And he gave me a prayer book. So I went home and I'm crying, I'm drinking, I'm doing all this, and I'm opening this prayer book, and like, oh, there's good this this will help, this will save me.

And I'm reading these prayers, and I'm trying to find one, and that he pointed out a couple, and I'm reading, I'm reading, and of course, drunk and just just a complete mess in a pool of my own pity. And I wake up the next day, all right. Well, things are the same, nothing worked. So I kind of I just I just threw the book.

I don't know where the book is today, but it was like, okay, that that obviously don't work. I just but I know what does, and that's alcohol. It always gives me my release, it always gives me an escape. Obviously, we all know it is burying them, but it, but it was it was my best friend.

It was my constant, it was my regular. I know, I know it's it what it does. So I went for about a year and a half um by myself, and then I met my current wife now, and we've known each other for going on 40 years, but you know, she was married, I was married, this, that, and another. And so, but we we hooked back up and well, she drank too.

Okay, well, there's what what's the problem now? You know, I I can drink, she can drink, we can, you know, we can just we were having a great time. I can say obviously, not a one issue resolved, not not a one resentment ever looked at, not at any kind of internal thing. I just went from the bottle to a girlfriend, I drank, and it was, you know, what could what could go wrong?

You know, a truck full of resentments and a bottle of booze, pretty much everything. And that's how it was for quite some time. We were we've been together now for hope I don't mess this up, like 13 years. But it was off and on for quite a while.

We would we would be in and out of each other's lives, and and everything stemmed around alcohol. We both knew alcohol was an issue, but neither one of us need weren't gonna do anything. And like I say, I still had all these issues of these things that of my past. Here again, I don't know what they are.

I don't know what like I say, I don't know what this inventory thing is all about. And obviously I didn't even know what the word was, but I I had so many things in my past, and the things let me see, let me how I say it out of the book. We were driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-seeking, self-delusion, self-pity. And that's exactly what was the problem.

It was I was being driven by all of these things in my life. They were driving the car, I was not, and they were making my decisions for me. I find that out now, obviously. And so it just continued, and we ended up getting married, thinking that would fix something, you know, okay, we'll just get married.

Now we got a commitment. And of course, it didn't. Alcohol was still the master in the in the in the relationship. And it was just it got to a point where, you know, if if if it was seven days out of the month that we would talk, that would be a good month, you know, and it was wash, rinse, repeat, wash, rinse, repeat.

I didn't there was there was no change, no, nothing different in our relationship. It was just anger and resentment and just bitterness and drunkenness. And that was that was our relationship. Then it came down to the July 22nd.

You know, and I I always thought I wanted to get sober. I did, I like everybody else. I wake up, you know, dry heaving in the shower, crying, you know, in the mirror. It's like I can't do this anymore.

I just can't. I can't. I you know, by the time I, you know, I wasn't a morning drinker because I wasn't that alcoholic. I'm putting air quotes up there.

I am no better than anybody, believe me. I just didn't, I just didn't do that. Um I couldn't stomach it. But as soon as I get a bottle of water and a half a sandwich in me, you know what?

I'm ready to rock and roll. I'm I'm I'm rushing to get home so I can start my drinking. And that's what it was, you know, come home and it's that sense of ease and comfort taking that first drink. I would just I I can still see it and hear it to the day, you know, put my lunchbox down and I put the ice in and I pour you know a six-second pour of rum, top it off with with the Pepsi and just uh and it would take me, you know, five or six to even before I even do anything.

That was my day every single day. And it was like I say, July 22nd. I'd I keep going by this on my route. I I go by this church and it says, you know, recovery Fridays.

I said, I'm gonna stop in one of these days, I'm gonna stop in one of these days. So, and this day it was the same, you know. She's in the backyard, I'm in the front yard, we're not talking. And I said, you know what?

I'm I'm going, I'm gonna make this change. And so, like a good alcoholic, I went and made me a big old stiff cocktail and proceeded to go get sober, which is crazy, but that's exactly my mindset. And so I go to this um this church, I pull in and I walk in the room, and this is a I don't want to poo-poo on anybody's skin. It's not about a religion or anything like this, it just wasn't my get down.

But there anyway, there was a screen, a big screen TV with the preacher on it, and there's these two guys that were just sitting in the chair, and there's the pastor or whatever was standing in the back, and I walk in, and it's say just two people and uh somebody on a big screen TV preaching, and I'm like, is this any kind of AA? And I say, mind you, I've never been to a meeting before in my life. And he goes, No, this is more of a faith-based recovery. And I said, Okay, thank you very much, and that's not for me.

And I walked out. I do not put down anybody any way. There's a there's a thousand ways to get sober because that's what worked for me, and that and that wasn't my get down. But I don't want to be disrespectful to anybody.

I hope anybody finds anything they can possibly do to get out from underneath this terrible disease. Anyway, my daughter, her boyfriend, his mom at the time had 14 years, and I knew she was in the program, and so I called him, I said, Hey, where's your mom? You know, I know that she's clean and I I know she's sober, and I know she's in Alcoholics Anonymous. Where is she?

She goes, Oh, it's over at this church. And I said, Well, do you think she'll be there? And he goes, She's always there, and thank God that she was. She's kind of my saving grace.

So I got back in my truck and headed over to the church, and the meeting was just getting out at the time, Friday at eight o'clock, and some people came out, and I have one of the best fellowships ever. We are so welcoming. We you don't walk out of there without a hug, or walk in there, or walk out of there without a hug, a handshake, everything you need. It is, it is we're kind of known for that.

And so I go up to the door, I start walking, and a couple guys come out and they introduce themselves, shake my hand, and I just ask, I said, Hey, is this uh this lady there? He goes, Oh yeah, she there is she's in there. And she comes out just whistling and clapping, big old smile on her face, and she's like, Tim! And I just I just lost it, you know.

She goes, What are you doing here? And I said, I don't know. I don't know, and I don't I don't know what I'm doing here, but all I know is I can't continue to do this, and I don't know what to do. I'm lost, and I don't know how to do this, but I don't want to live another day like this, and I need help.

And she's smiling, clapping her hands, she's like, nice, I can almost read her mind, yo, you're broke. And I was, I was broken, and you know, I kind of put that into my as far as that that's my surrender. You know, that was my first surrender, obviously. She goes, Okay, perfect.

She goes, Are you willing to go to any lengths? And I said, Yes, ma'am, whatever you say. I'm a good direction taker. I can do, I can follow instructions and directions.

I, you know, I can I'm good at that. And she goes, Great. She goes, uh, we'll be here at 8:30 in the morning. We'll get a Saturday morning meeting, and we'll get you a book, we'll get you a sponsor.

And I said, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, timeout. You know, I said, I've never been in these, you've been in AA, I don't know what this is about. Let's slow this, you know, slow the bus down here. She goes, You don't need to know anything, just just come, just show up and just do as we do.

And I said, Yes, ma'am. And she goes, Well, you're obviously already drunk, so she told me go home and finish. And so I did. I got home.

I came in with my ego and and look at me to my wife, and she was in the backyard, and I I went back there because I wanted to look at me moment, and I was gonna do this for us, I was gonna make this big change, blah, blah. So I walk in the backyard and I said, Guess where I went? And she just looked at me, she got up and she looked at me, she goes, you know what? I don't give a fuck.

And I said, Perfect. I turned around and I finished it. That's the last thing I remember that day. Woke up the next morning, shaky, sweaty, and scared to death.

It's like, oh crap, what did I just do? What did I just commit myself to? And I try to be a man of my word, and I'm like, all right. I got ready and I went to the meeting.

My very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I walk in, and what I seen, I guess more than what I felt. I guess it was that hope for the very first time. You know what kept me out was a lot of it was I'm I'm you don't have my problems.

You don't know what this is like. You don't drink like me. And I walk into these rooms, and what I see is I see smiles, I get hugs, I get handshakes, I get introduced, I get one of the good chairs, because we have one one color of the chair kind of slopes, and she goes, I'm not gonna give you that one. Just sit in one of the brown ones.

And but what I don't know what was said that day, I don't know what the topic was, I don't know anything. All I know is I was scared to death, I was shaken, and I didn't know what this what this was. But I did feel some hope. So she appointed me my first sponsor.

I got her my first sponsor, my first and only sponsor, I should say. She appointed me my sponsor and she made me call him and I left him a message, and uh he called me back, and we got busy. He did exactly what he was supposed to do. Um, got me to a meeting.

And like I say, I I I look at that, you know, that first day, and not even really realizing, you know, that was, you know, the first day of the rest of my life. That was gonna be that was gonna be my life. And there was hope. There was something there that that as I said, I wouldn't do I I drink because I like the effects produced by alcohol.

I go to Alcoholics Anonymous because I like what Alcoholics Anonymous produces. I have a chance, I have something now that I never thought I could ever achieve. And this thing called sobriety. As I said, I'm 40 years of a drinking career.

I couldn't put one, two days together at ever. And I'm looking at now a life at you know, at three and a half years that that I'm I'm sober, and it all started that day. And you know what? Thank God for sponsors.

I left the meeting, and she goes, Well, what are you gonna do? And I said, I'm just gonna go for a motorcycle ride. And I and I did. I went out to the river, um, and I got out by the river, and I just sat out on the bank and I got this book that they gave me.

And I started saying, I'm looking for these 12 steps. I'm going through this book, and I'm like, I don't know what the 12th steps I there's no 12 steps in here. And I started reading some, I don't know what chapter it was, but it could have been written in Chinese. I don't know.

I I said, I'm screwed. I said, because this is if this is it, if that if I gotta do read this book, I'm not a good student. I can take direction, but I'm not a good student, I'm not a good reader. And I said, I'm screwed.

I said, This uh, this is way too, you know, the words, this, and here again. That's the idea for, you know, that's the reason for uh, you know, a sponsor. They're they're kind of like our our decoder ring for this book. And he was, you know, he we got together and we started right where a lot of people do.

Now that, you know, doctor's opinion. And I stopped him at the beginning and I said, you know, he said, you know, we suffer from a disease. And I said, you know, I gotta be honest with you, I said, I don't feel that this is a disease. You guys can call it what you want, and I'm in, I'm all in one or the other, because you guys have something that I want, and that's what we want to call it, fine.

But I I made this choice. I I chose to do this. I chose this is my life that I chose, so I don't consider it a disease, but if you guys want to call it that, okay. And so he just said, okay, just powered through.

And so we're working the steps. We're going, we went through, and and I and I tell the story because I it was one of the pivoting turning points of in of my my sobriety. We went through the steps. I think I I even had a sponsee at a time.

I'm going to meetings every single day. I mean, I'm telling you, I I am I'm rocking and rolling this thing because I'm having something that I never had before. And I I have I have got sobriety. I am happy, joyous, and free, as they say.

I'm riding that pink cloud, which I'll get to, which I don't think it's pink cloud, I think it's complete surrender, is what I'm feeling. Um, but anyway, I was um like six months sober and I got sick, just a cold, you know, and uh you know, a couple two two or three days, and I just couldn't sleep. I was congested and blah, blah, blah. And I just couldn't sleep.

And I said, you know, just this congestion. And my wife's just like, well, you know, how about some some decongestant? And I said, I know, I don't know about NyQuil with the with alcohol. She goes, No, it's alcohol-free.

It says right on it, no alcohol. I read the ingredients back and forth. I looked this up. I'm like, all right, there's nothing in there.

So I I took the appropriate amount, which whoever does, that little shot glass they give you on top of the bottle. I read how much I'm supposed to take, and I took that amount. And I sat back down on the couch, and in about 10 minutes, my head started spinning. Like, holy crap, okay, what is it?

What you know what? What can I do to go get some more of that? Well, I wanted to go chug that bottle. And then it all clicked.

And I and I tell any newcomer, tell on yourselves, please. Because I told my wife, I said, I want to go chug that bottle. She goes, You're kidding me. Do you want a college sponsor?

Blah, blah, blah. I said, No, no, no. I just started laughing, you know. They said, No, I'm an alcoholic.

I said, That just put everything in this book, what it what I've been reading, what I've been told, it just set it in cement. I'm an alcoholic. I got that phenomenon of craving. I suffer, I suffer from this disease.

And here again, I always thought it was just a choice. Now I know, I I understand it now. And how do you know until you know? I've never been without alcohol.

I've always had alcohol. And so that just put everything in this, what this is, and what I have, and even defined that powerlessness of this disease even more. It's not, it's the first drink that gets me drunk. I didn't know, I had no clue.

And if I didn't, if I wasn't in a had a good foundation, a solid foundation, who knows where that what it could have taken me. But thank God I had a, you know, I had a foundation and I I was solid in in solid as I could be at that point. It just it It it kind of blew top of my head off. It's like, wow, I'm one of you.

I went back and I told my sponsor, and he goes, and I said I was afraid, you know, he's gonna take time away from me. And he goes, Well, did you did you go in there and chug it? I said, No. And he goes, You're fine.

He goes, You didn't know. And I looked it up and come to find out that the two two active ingredients can cause the effects produced by alcohol. And I'm like, Well, it did. So that's a warning to anybody.

So yeah, you know, it's it's been a hell of a journey. It's been a hell of a ride. I I say I I owe everything I have today because of Alcoholics Anonymous and these 12 steps. You know, I I found out so much more about myself and what life is.

You know, as I say, I'm 55 years old, and I and I I I feel that I'm just I'm I'm reborn, as it says in our book. You know, you'd be you have to die to be to be reborn, and I have. I I'm like a kid in the candy store. I barely scratched a surface of what this program and what this power greater than myself can produce.

And, you know, that's something that I have that is strong in my life. And you know, uh just to go back, I know maybe a little all over the place, but you know, what set that set this higher power thing, you know, because I go in and I say I didn't have a problem with this God thing. I was open to anything. I had an open mind and the willings to whatever you guys got, I want.

So I'll do whatever it is. But to be able to find that power that that greater than myself, of my understanding, was on August 10th of 2022. So 10 days after my sobriety. This is just my story.

I know I I wish it could happen for everybody, but everything was great. And I mean, I'm sober, I'm 10 days sober, and I was just driving and it was early morning, and I was going over this overpass, and the sun was just came through these clouds, and there were just sunbeams that were just beaming down, and it just it was an overwhelming feeling. I mean, I stopped, I took pictures, and it was just like God. Well, that's kind of what I felt.

It was, you know, God, my understanding, so I choose to call God, just said, good morning, welcome home. Been waiting. And it's been rocking and rolling ever since. I and I trust that.

And I called my sponsor. I said, dude, you I took him up, took a picture, sent it to him. I said, You gotta see these, you gotta see this. And he's just like, Tim, that's been happening billions of years.

And I said, Not like this. I said, not like this. And um he just giggled, and you know, it just kind of set it in, set the set that um, I don't know, I don't even know what to call it. It was just, it was just it was fantastic.

And I trust that today, you know, I trust that with everything that I have because I wouldn't be here. I know, and that's the thing. I look back and you know at that point in time, I was like, you know what? I don't even know it's nothing that means anything to anybody else.

It's just all the little things. I'm waking up happy and for another, I'm 10 days sober. That's that's how does that happen? That is uh this is so b beyond my power.

You know, I'm I am so beyond out of control with drinking. I can't stop. And I'm and I'm 10 days in, there's gotta be something bigger and better than me. We build on it and we feed on that, and that's what I did.

And as I say, I'm I'm busy in this fellow in my fellowship. I I I try to stay busy because I, you know, that's what I was taught. Service, service, and meetings, and um, you know, I'm not gonna say necessarily meeting makers make it. I know that that's a big saying.

I mean, yeah, it'll help say, you know, keep you sober, but what's where the program is is in the books and in that 12 the 12 steps. Great. I I know that's why I go to meet a lot of meetings because I want to hear everybody else's experience, strength, and hope. I want to see it.

How do you how do you work these steps? I want to hear solution. I want to hear, I want to how do you do this? Because here again, I'm a baby.

I'm I'm brand new in this, and how do you how do you live this life within, you know, and practice these principles? What do you what's your idea? I love hearing people's ideas and what they do and how they how they work this program. And that's why I love going to meetings.

And I'm a service anywhere I possibly can. I do, you know, do some H and I usually on Sundays. I'm up in Oregon right now, but I usually do an H and I every Sunday at a recovery house, which I absolutely love, especially when you can see somebody that comes out of there and then come to one of your meetings. And and you know, we don't see a lot, but we see they'll they'll come back through and they're just rocking and rolling.

And I and that to me is just phenomenal feeling to be able to do this and to be able to share it. And you know, and that is like I say, and that's kind of what we're that's what we're here to do, to to help another alcoholic to achieve sobriety. And we I try I try to do my best of that on a daily basis, and you know, wherever I go, whatever I do, and I I try to just try to be the best version of me that he wants me to be on a daily basis. And I I just I am just internally grateful for for for all this, but what Alcoholics and Alcoholics Anonymous has given me.

They say it's giving me freedom, it's giving me peace, it's giving me this joy. They say when they say it's a life beyond your wildest dreams, it it's it is because I could never have dreamed that I'm that I'm gonna be sober. I I I condemned myself to to a life of drunkenness for the rest of my life. And I was okay with that.

Don't you know I'm different? You there's nothing that can fix this. Because if this didn't work, I don't know, I would have been screwed. But with the back in myself, it works.

But I had to completely and totally surrender, and that's why everybody kind of, you know, I can be a little much for some people, and you know, because I'm I'm usually pretty much always happy that people are like, oh, you're on this pink cloud, you know, and that's gonna, that's gonna run out. And I actually the guy told me that uh early on, and he made my four step. And I said, you know, why would you want to tell me that, you know, but I don't know if it's you know, and then one of the old timers, she, you know, she said, you know, this isn't a necessarily this pink cloud thing. She was what you have is complete surrender.

And I have, and I, and I see that. I I don't none I don't take for granted anything that I have because none of it's mine. This has all been produced and given to me by a power, you know, of my God. These opportunities.

I was just I was just always taking the wrong path and always the wrong road. It's always been there. I just, you know, that self-will, that ego, that fear, everything that that that keeps us going. And that's why one of the my favorite parts of the book is when we says we're driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-seeking, self- self-delusion, self-pity, and we step on the toes of others.

And you know, that's the thing. They were driving the should they all that all my life, they that's what's been driving me and my decisions, my actions, my words, everything. You know, and I'm just in the backseat for the ride, and they're driving, they're driving the car. I just keep putting gas in it, you know.

I'm just keep filling it up wherever you guys want to go. It seems like the you know, the right place until I finally got off that road. It's the thing is if you're on the road you're on, you're gonna get where you're getting. And until I until I turned and you know, turned into these parking lots and and got into these rooms, I was just I would have just thrown it into the rocks.

And I know that. And today I don't. You know, like I say, I I'm I'm just sitting in the back seat and God's in the passenger seat, God's got it, and we just just keep going. I'm letting him, you know, I gotta I gotta put the gas in it and keep going and keep doing the footwork, but he's he's making the decisions, and I and I just I do that third step prayer every morning.

I turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him. And uh my life has just been incredible ever since. He's got the plan, I don't say he's the principal, I'm just the student, you know, and or the director and the actor, you know. I'm just here that to play the role that he assigns us to try to be kind and loving and treat others with respect and just it's just living a good life.

You know, this this is a program of uh designed for living. It's a great life, and it's not it's it's hard at times, but it's it's very simple. I gotta I put all the trust and faith into him that to know he's got this. I don't, I know what happens when I drive the drive the bus.

I'm gonna run this thing right into the you know into the bank. And I don't I don't choose to do that anymore. I I you know I try to do my best to to give it up. My perfect no by no mean no by no means, but I do my best on a day-to-day.

As long as I'm trying, that's all my God really needs me to see. You know, what he needs to see is you're trying and own up to when when I'm wrong, please. It it's just so much easier to be able to get rid of all the past and all the negative and just clean up, you know, clean the side of your street when it's when it's when I get it dirty. Oh life is is is so much easier.

Yeah, you know, it's like I say it is a life beyond my wildest dreams because I never thought I'd be sober. And whatever life's gonna be, you know, all sunshine and butterflies and rainbows and unicorns, it's life is life. Life is gonna happen, and that's okay. You know, I lost my dad in my first year of sobriety.

I lost my dad, and two weeks later I lost my dog. But in reality, it was one of the most spiritual things that ever that ever happened. I was able to walk through that. You know, I I today I can walk through things.

I don't go around it, I don't go over it, I don't go under it, I go through it. But I know I got my God right beside me, helping me along and carrying me and directing me in the direction I need to go. And because there's something in it, every every everything that does happen, good, bad, or indifferent, you know, there's something there, there's a lesson, there's a there's there's something there that I need to experience, I need to learn. And today I know that.

I don't I don't run from it, I don't hide from it via the bottle. I I'm like, well, well, this is there's something here, and as long as I can find that that little lesson and that little nugget in there, as far as I'm concerned, that's a win. That's what I would that's why this happened. And you know, I say I just I love this program.

I absolutely love this program, and I do it to my best of my ability on a day-to-day basis, and I hope to continue to do it for the rest of my life. I pray that you know, I have taken my last drink. As I said, we get a daily reprieve. I just keep doing what I did today, I do tomorrow, I've got a pretty good chance.

And as I say, for that I am I am so very grateful. I just keep trucking, you know, keep doing what he's asking me to do and putting one foot in front of the other and trying to keep a smile on my face on a day-to-day basis. It's been working out pretty darn good so far. And so I'll continue to do it when I I'll stop doing it when it stops giving me the results, and I have found that.

So all I gotta do is stay in my hulloop and do what he needs me to do, and that's to help another alcoholic to achieve sobriety. So I hope that I can I can uh be a part of that in anybody's life to to help them. So yeah, I I say I just want to say thank you very much, Terra, for giving me this opportunity. I can keep rambling, I know I'm probably all over the place, but um I'm very grateful for for this opportunity.

So thank you so very much, and I think that's it.

SPEAKER_00 33:17

Thank you, Tim. You were not all over the place. Uh I thought it was well organized. It may have felt that way in your head. So I really liked your analogy about the whole car, and you kind it kind of I am looking forward to hearing it again, but like the disease was driving, and you were like, okay, and now God is driving, and and you gotta do the maintenance and the gas in the car and still do the work, but it was just I don't know if it's a metaphor or an analogy, but it's one or the other, and I really like it. Yeah. I love the idea of Pink Cloud being synonymous with complete surrender. Um, I would add that it it needs like complete trust and faith too, right? So you can surrender, but like when bad shit happens, your dad dies, your dog dies. I'm so sorry about that loss. That was that was just a few years ago. That sounds very difficult to go through.

SPEAKER_01 34:21

Sometimes I think people Oh, go ahead. Well, actually, yes, I miss them, but it actually wasn't as hard as I thought. And it's because of the foundation and having that trust in in the God because I know because and I just look at it for one, I get into the guardian angel. And two, you know, I know he's up there, you know, doing that that forever first date with my mom. If God has done for me what he's done for me here, he's golden up there. I know he's okay. And and I got to be able to make my amends to him. And and he doesn't understand Alcoholics Anonymous. All he just said, he goes, Whatever you're doing, just don't stop and keep doing it. So it, you know, I know he lived a good life. He lived a good life, and that's what I asked him while he was laying there. I said, Did you have a good time? And he kind of looked at me and I said, Hey, we're here from point A to point B. Did you have a good time? And he goes, You know what, son, I did. I said, Rock and roll, then you know what else we have? And so it was hard, but it wasn't, because I I if it was before, oh, I know what I'd have been. I would have been in that room with a cocktail. I know that because I've done it. And I was there to be able to be there sober for my dad. And it was it was hard, but it was it was comforting, if that makes any sense. I was I felt more comfort in it than I had ever could imagine. And it was it was just the comfort of of my of my God.

SPEAKER_00 35:59

I will never forget that piece that you just shared, Tim, about asking your dad, I can visualize you asking him on his final days, did you have a good time? And him about to leave you and go to your mom. And you being there lucid and sober with faith. I don't know what else a parent can ask for. How is your relationship with your wife today?

SPEAKER_01 36:32

I'm glad you asked that because I always leave that out. It's phenomenal. It is absolutely phenomenal. You know, she's not in the program or anything, and you know, it it says that as it says in our book, you know, there's three types of drinker the moderate, the heavy, and the real alcoholic.

You know, she could if for some sufficient reason she could stop or moderate. She did. And this was a sufficient reason, is our marriage because we love each other very, very much. And that's okay.

You know, we we we it is kind of crazy because I don't know how to do life sober. I got the drinking thing down, but life, I don't know how I've never been a father sober, I've never been a friend, I've never been a son, I've never been a husband, I've never done anything sober. So this is all new to me. And it's new for her too.

And we get to we get to start this marriage out on a new basis now, which is it's exciting. It's a little challenging at times, yeah, because we're on we're on a different footing. We we're communicating, we have trust in one another. It's absolutely phenomenal what what what how our relationship has grown.

And she gets a lot of AA, you know. Like I say, she's not in the program, but she gets a lot of it from me, and and I'm so so very grateful for her because she sacrifices a lot of the time, our time together for me for doing what I do. Because I say I go to six six meetings a week, seven meetings a week, work with sponsees, and I do this, and she's she knows that that that's what it takes. She knows that.

At first it kind of bothered her because one of the problems, she was, I was I've never been first, you know. I'm never everything else is a priority to you, and I've never been first. And so, well, honey, I love you, but still not first. Because I have I have God, I have I have recovery, and then I have you.

Or whoever else is in needs to be in that place at that time. Wherever God, you know, I I I but if I don't have re if I don't have God, I don't have recovery. And if I don't have that, I have nothing. I have to put those that that in that order.

And if I do not, I'm gonna lose everything anyway. So, and she knows that. And she's you know, she goes, I'm I'm good with it because you know what, I get this version of you. So yeah, it's and you know, my kids are grown, so that's you know, it's just her and I say we're up here in Oregon now, we're working on a house.

It's actually my dad's house that that um that we bought out, and yeah, we're we get to live life together now and on a different footing in a different direction. And it's just it's phenomenal. It it truly is. I I I I love her to pieces, and it and it's just it's crazy to to be able to to um get a second chance, you know.

I get we get another run at this, and that's what I just love, you know. It's this program it allows you to get a second chance in life. It is it's been a it's been awesome. I I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her now.

And you know, before boys it was it was rough, but God has us together for a reason. It's been great, it's been absolutely great.

SPEAKER_00 39:46

That's so sweet. That's so sweet. So did I hear you say she stopped drinking? Yes, for the most part.

SPEAKER_01 39:52

She and that was, you know, um something that I had to deal with on my own, and it and it was because she would um she didn't stop entirely. She stopped for quite a while, she stood off like three months and then um started getting going back. And I, you know, we had it was kind of rough there. It's like I'm what am I doing?

I'm not, I can't live that life anymore. And if you really want to get into for as far as God shots, I can say there's too many to name, but this is one of them. I was having, I was struggling with that very badly, and um and I didn't know what to do. So what do I do?

I go to my I go to God, I go to my sponsor, I can tell I talked to my sponsor about it, and he told me something I'll never forget. And he goes, well, uh, he goes, is she your child? No. Whose child is she?

God's? Do you think he might have a handle on it better than you? I said, huh. Yes, so then that was a part of letting go for me to let go of that, you know, because I was trying to, I want her to be this way, that way.

I want her this and I want her that. You need to do this. It ain't my it ain't it's not the way it works anymore. They say she stopped for for, you know, she was just here and there, but I didn't like it.

A lot of it was that it some jealousy, a little envy. Why can't you drink? I can't. But see, it was for me to actually understand that and recognize and acknowledge that to my God, because I kept asking God, I said, You need something needs to happen, something needs to change.

And when my when my sponsor told me, you know, that's God's got child, not yours. And where are you at in it? Here again, just inventory. So I love this, but I love these steps.

Do some inventory on it. And I did. Found my I found my part. I was a little bit, I was angry, I was resentful that she can drink, I can't.

I had that little jealousy, a little envy, and then I just told God, I just finally just had a conversation. I said, I don't know, God, I don't know what to do. And she, but it is yours, she is your child. And when I absolutely surrendered it, he knew when I was done.

He knew when I was done with it. Because I'd given it to him many a times, but I didn't see, I didn't, I had no role in that. I didn't see any of it, I didn't acknowledge any of my parts. And once I did, it was about a week and a half later, I was gonna have a talk with my wife.

I said, you know, about something's gonna change, and she she just stopped me. She goes, you know what, honey? She goes, I don't know exactly what you're gonna say, but me and my me and my God how to talk. And I got you.

I understand. And it's been changed ever since. And it was a matter of letting letting it go. Truly letting it go.

And that's she's God's child, not mine. I was just being selfish. I was being selfish, jealous, envious of the of what it was, and I was trying to make her into something that what I wanted her to be. It's not the way things work anymore.

And I gotta I gotta recognize that.

SPEAKER_00 42:54

I love that story. I bet you didn't list it, but I bet at some point you were just in fear instead of faith, and you probably had legitimate fears of how am I gonna live with somebody with how am I gonna be sober with alcohol in the house? Do I have to choose between my sobriety and my wife? I like legitimate fears of you you nailed it.

SPEAKER_01 43:14

You absolutely nailed it. That was that was absolute fear. Because I didn't know how to handle it. Here again, having some faith and and and literally I and I know I I I don't know why I leave that out, but fear is the biggest one of the biggest drivers. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of everything, and that and you like say you nailed it. Well said.

SPEAKER_00 43:38

Well, I think of fear and the last few years, maybe 10 years, I've been looking at fear as the devil, and it is the opposite of the light and love of my God. And so I get to choose, and I feel like the devil has more access to me as an alcoholic. That's I have some sort of makeup that. Can access the dark side and it the f it can get me. And so it's like this very one or the other, you cannot have both in the same house. And somebody recently said, um like we cannot bring shame and fear in this door. Like it cannot come in this house. Um and I like that that mama bear, father bear, like, no children, you don't let that in the house. This is God's house.

SPEAKER_01 44:35

That's right. Agree.

SPEAKER_00 44:38

Whatever that God may look like, whatever. Right. The you know, I watched the Star Wars for the first time with my children recently. So now it's all the force. That's the beauty of the program. It could be whatever works for you and it can change.

SPEAKER_01 44:55

That's right. And that's that's the the other beauty, as far as you know, this if if this was a program where they were gonna tell you what you needed, your concept of you know, their conception of what a God is, I wouldn't be here. That's the beauty of this program, is to be able to have that freedom into it's it's uh of your choosing, and everybody has a different one, and I love that. I absolutely love when I go to you go to a meeting, there's 30 people, there's 30 different gods there. And you can't tell me that that mine's not working, right? And it's yeah, I talk to them just like you and I are talking, and that's the relationship that I have with my with my higher power, and I and I dig it. I I just it's one of the most freeing things is like no, I can this is this is my relationship, and you you're free to choose that. And and if people have a problem, I tell people in the in the recovery house you know that have a problem with God, you know, or that you know that word, you know, obviously you can use the other different acronyms, but it's just start, just start somewhere. How do you build a relationship with anybody? You say, hello, how you doing? I'm Tim. And they're looking at me. I said, That's it, it's as simple as that. Just start building one because you're gonna need them. And when you find one, when you find one that will work that that that that conception, it's like that's it's that easy. Yeah, it is, I think. Uh you know, once I once I uh open my mind to it that and started believing, having that little bit of faith, and then that faith builds into trust, it's it's a whole nother ball game. And it's and it's yours. And that one's you, you know, that's yours to keep. I'm never alone anymore.

SPEAKER_00 46:33

Which is sometimes annoying. Like, can I just shit in privacy, man?

SPEAKER_01 46:40

No, it's you know, he's there.

SPEAKER_00 46:43

No, no privacy. My my previously uh atheist 10-year-old who's now 11 is experimenting with a higher power in God and prayer. And I'm and then my you know, my almost 14-year-old just got baptized last year. Was it last year? It was 2024. We're a very open house. I I have the program and obviously a higher power, and my husband, he's agnostic, and so we just encourage them to find what feels right to them with providing, anyways, it's you know, we're doing it our way. Right. And so he's exploring. And what I what I I like what you said, and that's what I tell him is just just try it on, just try it on. Experiment. He's a scientist, he's very much a future engineer, and I said, just do an experiment and and see what happens. If you open yourself, God will the universe. I I use the word universe with him. Sure. The universe will show itself to you. Um and if you do these things, it will talk to you in its own special way for you.

SPEAKER_01 47:58

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 47:58

These gods, we call it.

SPEAKER_01 48:00

I love that. And it and they're they're they're constant, you know, and it's usually, you know, when you say that that quiet voice, and I I can relate to that because you know, I can I sit in meditation and I just I know they these things just kind of come to you in a in a sense. And I know it sounds hokey and this, that, and another, but until you try it, you start trusting it in it a little bit, it just it builds. And I I wouldn't be anywhere without it. And I'm not great at meditation, but those uh it's just practice, you know, like that's any of this, right? Everything it's it's practicing these principles in all of our affairs. That practicing this meditation and listening and um hearing these voices, you know, not shouldn't say voices, but hearing hearing that intuition, I guess you could say whatever. Um it's I I like it. It's a lot better than what I had.

SPEAKER_00 49:04

Yeah. Yep. I was just told one of the kids yesterday, no shit. You have to talk to your higher power in your head more than you're talking to yourself. You want to build a relationship with him. You can't just say hi in the morning and goodbye at good night at night. You gotta talk to him or her or them or they or the or it more than you talk to you.

SPEAKER_01 49:28

That's right. And I just I I can do it. I drive a lot. I'm a pool guy for a living. And so I'm by myself a lot. And before I was sitting there talking to my windshield, screaming at it, and blah, blah, blah. Now it's now I'm having conversations with God. And and there's times where, you know, with me and my uh, you know, my my God, you know, if I'm a little upset, I'm gonna tell him and say, you know what, I'll be right back, God. I'm gonna lose my shit real quick. And just start screaming, and then just take a deep breath, pull over, sit quietly, and say, okay, I'm back. I'm back. But I I if I don't do that, then I'm gonna take that out somewhere else, treat somebody else badly or anything, or you know, be irritated. Let it out. It's okay. It's it's I know I empty my cup. You know, if I if I if I walk around with a full cup, I'm gonna spill over at some point. So I've got to empty that, I've got to keep that thing empty. And I do that in the mornings. I empty my cup in the morning in in prayer meditation. I that way when I go out, you know what? I can I can take on these little things that are gonna come in. It'll start putting a little bit more in that cup, a little bit more, but I can get rid of it easily. But if I go out with a full cup, uh-uh, it's gonna spill over and it's gonna spill over in a bad way. And I I can't afford to do that anymore. And I don't want to. I I I don't I don't I don't like being that angry, uptight person anymore. I I'm I'm so much enjoyed this this person that he's that he's wanted me to be this entire time. I don't want to be that anymore.

SPEAKER_00 51:01

That's sweet. That's really sweet. The only wrong way to meditate is to not meditate. That's right. Oh I have really enjoyed this time. I have two final questions for you. Is there anything that you left out of your story or that you are thinking of that you'd like to share?

SPEAKER_01 51:27

That's a load of questions because I'd say it's there's there's just so much within just this short, short, short three and a half years that have been sober that that um that's happened in my life that I never thought was possible. But and and like you say, I I don't know of anything that that I that's right off the top of my head. I'm glad you asked about my wife because I always forget because she's she goes to meetings with me and all that, and she's like, Well, you know, they you never tell how we're doing. I said, I know, I always forget. I'm always out of I'm always out of time, so I'm glad you asked that question.

SPEAKER_00 52:05

Perfect. Perfect. If I'm asking the right questions, the answer to did you leave anything out or anything you're thinking of now is no, we got it all in your amazing questions, Tara.

SPEAKER_01 52:18

And they are saying it was perfect.

SPEAKER_00 52:22

Oh, don't feed the ego, man. Her name is Victoria, and she's awful. She's asleep right now. Let's just let her sleep. Oh, I love that.

SPEAKER_01 52:32

You can name them. That's right. I've got a lot of people up there. It's when you wake up in the morning, it's like, okay, who's in charge? I don't know. That's right. Just would you all just shut up for a second?

SPEAKER_00 52:43

That's right. That's right. Well, it's still it's Sunday morning, and I got on my knees when I woke up, and I am being of service right now, so Victoria's asleep.

SPEAKER_01 52:52

That's right. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 52:54

Okay, then. Final question for the listener who is suffering. What do you want to leave them with?

SPEAKER_01 53:03

Just give this a shot. If you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, and you're and you're lost and you don't you you don't you're running out of answers and you're tired of running into the same wall. Try something different. It's not easy, but it's very simple. Open your mind to it to a change, be willing to do what it takes. I wouldn't want to rob anybody from their bottom, because I think that's when you come in, you're most willing, as I did. I'm done, I'm out, I don't know what else to do. And I hope that people can find that. And and if not, if you're just coming in on a core card or this, that, and another, stick around for a little bit. And and just, you know, listen for the similarities, not the differences. Give this thing a shot and and and and try something different and watch what can happen and keep your mind open to this higher power of thing, if what you want to call it. I you know, however you want to define it, but don't close your mind off to the things and acknowledge the little things that that happen in your life. Like, I don't think anything, there's nothing by coincidence. You're here for a reason. Don't don't squander that away and just say thank you sometimes to whatever that may be. Just look up and say thank you. But just give this a shot. Don't be hard-headed because it says in our book, you know, we we raise the bottom to spare uh the last 10 to 15 years of misery. It's so true. It is so true. This is a progressive disease and it will kill you. And you will go down in flames if you keep fighting it. So just I I know I know it's easier said than done, but just give up and and try this. Just give this a shot and watch your life change.

SPEAKER_00 54:53

For more information, read the first one hundred and sixty four pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous or visit keepcomingback.net.